Well, damn, people—it’s been hella long since I recapped me some Teen Mom. I’m not even going to try to trot out some lame excuses. Suffice it to say, I haven’t had enough time to do these train wrecks justice. But after much guilt-inducing hounding by my cousin (and the recaps’ biggest fan) S., I’ve decided I’d like to
avoid continued harassment on Facebook show S. how much I care by resuming my recapping duties.
So then…here we go.
trail of tears journey of one thousand bad choices begins with an update on Jenelle who, we find out, is (spoiler alert!) lying to her mom about Reefer. Can you believe that shit, people? Jenelle is LYING TO HER MOM! First she fails at parenting, then she steals from her mom, and now she’s lying, too???? Where will it end, friends? Where?
So…Jenelle and Reefer meet up at a park, where Jenelle tells her beau, ”If my mom found out you were here, she’d probably flip.”
The first problem with this bit of commentary is the word “probably,” because we all know that Jenelle’s mom would most certainly flip out and go apeshit and probably throw Jenelle and all her stuff out on the lawn. And if you didn’t think that was possible at the beginning of this episode, watch till the end, and you’ll see I’m right.
What I don’t get about all of Jenelle’s “sneaking around” is this: Your every move and conversation is being filmed for a show that is televised around the world. Just because your mom doesn’t know right now that you are sneaking out to be with Reefer, she will know once this shit airs. (Or hey—even before then, as we saw!) *sigh* Do not hire Jenelle for your international espionage needs. She will NOT get the job done.
Meanwhile, in a mobile home far, far away, Leah tells Corey she wants to get a job because being holed up in a mobile home with two babies all day every day is making her lose her
will to live mind. Corey is concerned about who will watch the babies in Jenelle’s absence Jenelle possibly seeing that other men exist, and then flirting with these other men.
“Don’t tell me not to flirt,” Jenelle complains.
Did anyone else feel like Jenelle was sporting some Dolly Parton hair in this episode?
Anyway… After the Jenelle-Corey check-in, it’s time to see what’s what with Kailyn, who quickly establishes herself as the most level-headed of the moms. Here she is choosing Halloween pumpkins with a friend.
The best part of this scene was when the two girls find a pumpkin that is strawberry shaped, and they decide they are going to paint it so that it can reach it’s full strawberry potential.
“I can’t wait to paint that pumpkin into a strawberry,” Kailyn’s friend exclaims. “I know; it’s gonna be fun,” says Kailyn. Look out, world! These ladies are gettin’ crazy-zay! Woooo!
But I’ll be damned if that shit doesn’t look like a strawberry.
After “Pumpkin Painting with Kailyn and Co.,” we’re treated to an episode I like to think of as “Straight Talk with Jenelle’s Friends.”
Now, I didn’t catch these kids names, but for real, that dude in the pink shirt is like the smartest person who has ever appeared on this show, and he’s not even saying anything all that groundbreaking, except that it sounds like Nobel Prize-type wisdom because no one else on this series ever says anything even remotely as sound as the truth Pink Shirt’s about to spill to Jenelle.
“Being with Keifer….” the dude begins, “You have an extra person there to help you be just as bad,” his lady half finishes.
That’s right, Jenelle: The only thing Reefer can help you with is fucking up your life. If you won’t believe me, believe your friends. See how earnest they are?
I’m not sure we need Dr. Drew at the next finale special. I think this dude could get to the heart of the matter with each of the ladies just fine.
Continuing on, our pink-shirted Yoda tells Jenelle, “He’s homeless. He doesn’t have a job. He’s got no income, OK? I’m not telling you not to be with Keifer, because the heart wants what the heart wants.”
Ah! “The heart wants what the heart wants.” How much do we love this guy? I’m not convinced Jenelle has a heart, but I appreciate that this dude is giving her the benefit of the doubt here. But man…if the heart wants Reefer, the brain must be like, “WTF?!”
Anyway… Pink Shirt continues by revealing to Jenelle, ”Sometimes I look at Keifer and I just think, ‘Why the fuck is she with him?’ ” OMG! Same here!!! Except instead of “sometimes” thinking that, I always think that. I’ve also been known to wonder why Reefer is with Jenelle because…really?
Also great during “Straight Talk with Jenelle’s friends” was the couple’s posture during the dude’s little “scared straight” performance. ”Kick that sonofabitch to the curb,” is what the dude is thinking, but his gal’s mind is elsewhere:
The heart wants what the heart wants.
Anyhoo… From Jenelle-land we travel to whatever far-off corner of our country that Chelsea inhabits. Her story is so freaking boring because she is so damn predictable. She still has no job and no GED, and she still thinks if Adam smiles at her she should run right back to him. God, this girl is soooo annoying. And Adam makes me barf.
“It’s like we just kissed,” he tells Chelsea, after she kisses Aubree and then he kisses Aubree. WTF is wrong with him??? That is just so gross. What a tool.
As always, I wasn’t the only one totally repulsed by the Adam and Chelsea story line.
But hey—speaking of things that are repulsive: Reefer and Jenelle have a long talk about their relationship. “We deserve a chance to relax, as hard as our lives are. That’s how I feel about it,” Reefer says. Normally, I would agree! But when “as hard as our lives are” actually means, “We don’t have jobs, we do whatever we feel like doing, and we steal from people as needed along the way,” my reaction tends not to be, “Yeah! You deserve a break! Relax! Put your feet up! Take a load off!” *sigh*
Anyway…after this fake-ass relationship talk, we’re treated to more fake-assery when Barbara won’t let Jenelle watch Jace because she was out too late the night before. So Barbara takes Jace to daycare, and Jenelle whines on the phone to Reefer, “I just want to watch my child!”
Maybe I’m alone here, but I never find Jenelle’s crying to be all that believable.
Notice the complete absence of tears here. And of course, she immediately turns off the feigned breakdown to tell Reefer, “You can come down now. She just left.”
On a different note: Does Reefer ever wear anything other than this green hoodie?
The episode chugs along to find Chelsea talking to her mom about Adam’s sudden reappearance in Chelsea and Aubree’s lives. “Adam was really flirty the other day,” she says. Which, I would agree, if by “flirty,” you mean, “So disgusting that I had to take Pepto Bismol to keep from vomiting.” I don’t think that’s what she means, though, which is just sad.
At least Chelsea’s mom knows: Nothing good can come of this. See how she cringes openly?
I’ve said it before…I’ll say it again: Chelsea is so fucking dumb I can hardly stand it. She’s stuck on Adam when he has nothing at all to offer; she can’t get her shit together enough to take her GED exam; she doesn’t even have a job. What the hell is she doing while her dad pays for the house she lives in? Raising her daughter, I guess, but is she even doing a great job of that, considering how she lets her daughter’s dad come and go through their lives as he pleases? God, she annoys me.
Someone who doesn’t annoy me, though, is Kailyn’s boyfriend Jordan. I love Jordan. Here he is, dressed as a giant baby on Halloween.
Anyway…in a move we’ve seen many times before from MTV, the episode wraps with yet another fight between Jenelle and her mom. Predictably, Jenelle’s mom throws her out yet again. Y’know…Amber takes a lot of shit for her behavior on this show, but she is nowhere near as screwed up as Jenelle and her mom. I don’t see how Child Protective Services hasn’t gotten involved in that shit yet. What is the deal? Jenelle isn’t fit to raise Jace, but neither is Jenelle’s mom. Hey, Brandon and Teresa: You’re not interested in a brother for little Carly, are you?