To Whoever Created the ‘Fake Jenelle’s Mom’ Account on Twitter: I love you.

Well, once again I have lapsed in my Teen Mom 2 recapping duties. However, this time blame lies squarely at the feet of MTV, who have given up their previous practice of having episodes eternally available online to only having them available for a limited time after the initial air date—a policy that does not work well for yours truly’s viewing schedule. I totally don’t get why they are doing this, since I doubt they are making more money by withholding content, seeing as how the online episodes have ads embedded in them, so it’s not like MTV lost out on ad revenue having them online. But…whatever, MTV! Anyway, this means you can expect a flood of super-late-and-no-longer-relevant recaps once episodes 2-7 become available. And in the meantime, I may actually get an episode 8 recap up this weekend.

But never mind all that right now, because what we’re really here to talk about is this: Someone has created @BabsEvansMTV, a parody account of Jenelle’s mom, and it includes fantastic gems like this one:

Sage advice for us all.

Hilariously, Twitter user @MegannnVictoria replied to the above tweet with an amusing—and, let’s face it, wholly accurate—equation of her own:

So true!

Anyway, the whole @BabsEvansMTV feed is really just amazing—Babs even had the balls to send a special message to Michelle Obama:

So funny.

So do yourself a favor…or, in Barbara language: do yourself a fay-vah and start following @BabsEvansMTV right away. Yah know it’s good fah yah.

Teen Mom 2, Season 2, Episode 1: You can lead Jenelle to wise friends, but you can’t make her think.

Well, damn, people—it’s been hella long since I recapped me some Teen Mom. I’m not even going to try to trot out some lame excuses. Suffice it to say, I haven’t had enough time to do these train wrecks justice. But after much guilt-inducing hounding by my cousin (and the recaps’ biggest fan) S., I’ve decided I’d like to avoid continued harassment on Facebook show S. how much I care by resuming my recapping duties.

So then…here we go.

Our trail of tears journey of one thousand bad choices begins with an update on Jenelle who, we find out, is (spoiler alert!) lying to her mom about Reefer. Can you believe that shit, people? Jenelle is LYING TO HER MOM! First she fails at parenting, then she steals from her mom, and now she’s lying, too???? Where will it end, friends? Where?

So…Jenelle and Reefer meet up at a park, where Jenelle tells her beau, ”If my mom found out you were here, she’d probably flip.”

The first problem with this bit of commentary is the word “probably,” because we all know that Jenelle’s mom would most certainly flip out and go apeshit and probably throw Jenelle and all her stuff out on the lawn. And if you didn’t think that was possible at the beginning of this episode, watch till the end, and you’ll see I’m right.

What I don’t get about all of Jenelle’s “sneaking around” is this: Your every move and conversation is being filmed for a show that is televised around the world. Just because your mom doesn’t know right now that you are sneaking out to be with Reefer, she will know once this shit airs. (Or hey—even before then, as we saw!) *sigh* Do not hire Jenelle for your international espionage needs. She will NOT get the job done.

Meanwhile, in a mobile home far, far away, Leah tells Corey she wants to get a job because being holed up in a mobile home with two babies all day every day is making her lose her will to live mind. Corey is concerned about who will watch the babies in Jenelle’s absence Jenelle possibly seeing that other men exist, and then flirting with these other men.

“Don’t tell me not to flirt,” Jenelle complains.

Did anyone else feel like Jenelle was sporting some Dolly Parton hair in this episode?

Anyway… After the Jenelle-Corey check-in, it’s time to see what’s what with Kailyn, who quickly establishes herself as the most level-headed of the moms. Here she is choosing Halloween pumpkins with a friend.

The best part of this scene was when the two girls find a pumpkin that is strawberry shaped, and they decide they are going to paint it so that it can reach it’s full strawberry potential. 

“I can’t wait to paint that pumpkin into a strawberry,” Kailyn’s friend exclaims. “I know; it’s gonna be fun,” says Kailyn. Look out, world! These ladies are gettin’ crazy-zay! Woooo!

But I’ll be damned if that shit doesn’t look like a strawberry.

After “Pumpkin Painting with Kailyn and Co.,” we’re treated to an episode I like to think of as “Straight Talk with Jenelle’s Friends.”

Now, I didn’t catch these kids names, but for real, that dude in the pink shirt is like the smartest person who has ever appeared on this show, and he’s not even saying anything all that groundbreaking, except that it sounds like Nobel Prize-type wisdom because no one else on this series ever says anything even remotely as sound as the truth Pink Shirt’s about to spill to Jenelle.

“Being with Keifer….” the dude begins, “You have an extra person there to help you be just as bad,” his lady half finishes.

That’s right, Jenelle: The only thing Reefer can help you with is fucking up your life. If you won’t believe me, believe your friends. See how earnest they are?

I’m not sure we need Dr. Drew at the next finale special. I think this dude could get to the heart of the matter with each of the ladies just fine.

Continuing on, our pink-shirted Yoda tells Jenelle, “He’s homeless. He doesn’t have a job. He’s got no income, OK? I’m not telling you not to be with Keifer, because the heart wants what the heart wants.”

Ah! “The heart wants what the heart wants.” How much do we love this guy? I’m not convinced Jenelle has a heart, but I appreciate that this dude is giving her the benefit of the doubt here. But man…if the heart wants Reefer, the brain must be like, “WTF?!”

Anyway… Pink Shirt continues by revealing to Jenelle, ”Sometimes I look at Keifer and I just think, ‘Why the fuck is she with him?’ ” OMG! Same here!!! Except instead of “sometimes” thinking that, I always think that. I’ve also been known to wonder why Reefer is with Jenelle because…really?

Also great during “Straight Talk with Jenelle’s friends” was the couple’s posture during the dude’s little “scared straight” performance. ”Kick that sonofabitch to the curb,” is what the dude is thinking, but his gal’s mind is elsewhere:

The heart wants what the heart wants.

Anyhoo… From Jenelle-land we travel to whatever far-off corner of our country that Chelsea inhabits. Her story is so freaking boring because she is so damn predictable. She still has no job and no GED, and she still thinks if Adam smiles at her she should run right back to him. God, this girl is soooo annoying. And Adam makes me barf.

“It’s like we just kissed,” he tells Chelsea, after she kisses Aubree and then he kisses Aubree. WTF is wrong with him??? That is just so gross. What a tool.

So. Gross.

As always, I wasn’t the only one totally repulsed by the Adam and Chelsea story line. 

Word.

But hey—speaking of things that are repulsive: Reefer and Jenelle have a long talk about their relationship. “We deserve a chance to relax, as hard as our lives are. That’s how I feel about it,” Reefer says. Normally, I would agree! But when “as hard as our lives are” actually means, “We don’t have jobs, we do whatever we feel like doing, and we steal from people as needed along the way,” my reaction tends not to be, “Yeah! You deserve a break! Relax! Put your feet up! Take a load off!” *sigh*

Anyway…after this fake-ass relationship talk, we’re treated to more fake-assery when Barbara won’t let Jenelle watch Jace because she was out too late the night before. So Barbara takes Jace to daycare, and Jenelle whines on the phone to Reefer, “I just want to watch my child!”

Maybe I’m alone here, but I never find Jenelle’s crying to be all that believable.

Notice the complete absence of tears here. And of course, she immediately turns off the feigned breakdown to tell Reefer, “You can come down now. She just left.”

On a different note: Does Reefer ever wear anything other than this green hoodie?

Seriously.

The episode chugs along to find Chelsea talking to her mom about Adam’s sudden reappearance in Chelsea and Aubree’s lives. “Adam was really flirty the other day,” she says. Which, I would agree, if by “flirty,” you mean, “So disgusting that I had to take Pepto Bismol to keep from vomiting.” I don’t think that’s what she means, though, which is just sad. 

At least Chelsea’s mom knows: Nothing good can come of this. See how she cringes openly?

I’ve said it before…I’ll say it again: Chelsea is so fucking dumb I can hardly stand it. She’s stuck on Adam when he has nothing at all to offer; she can’t get her shit together enough to take her GED exam; she doesn’t even have a job. What the hell is she doing while her dad pays for the house she lives in? Raising her daughter, I guess, but is she even doing a great job of that, considering how she lets her daughter’s dad come and go through their lives as he pleases? God, she annoys me.

Someone who doesn’t annoy me, though, is Kailyn’s boyfriend Jordan. I love Jordan. Here he is, dressed as a giant baby on Halloween.

Yes.

Anyway…in a move we’ve seen many times before from MTV, the episode wraps with yet another fight between Jenelle and her mom. Predictably, Jenelle’s mom throws her out yet again. Y’know…Amber takes a lot of shit for her behavior on this show, but she is nowhere near as screwed up as Jenelle and her mom. I don’t see how Child Protective Services hasn’t gotten involved in that shit yet. What is the deal? Jenelle isn’t fit to raise Jace, but neither is Jenelle’s mom. Hey, Brandon and Teresa: You’re not interested in a brother for little Carly, are you?

It’s been waaaay too long since I updated Tumblr.

And that is because grading has taken over my life. Share my hell, won’t you? 

From a student essay analyzing how the media covered potential cuts to Medicare:

But when younger people who are involved in “paying more, this will attract more readers because the cost of a program that they may not need in the next thirty years or so may become a cost they must pay for. By doing so, readers begin to feel weary.

Oh, readers are “weary” alright, my friends. Truuuuuust me.

Teen Mom 2, Episode 11: This episode wasn’t exactly action-packed, but who cares, because next week Jenelle (finally) gets arrested!

Well, here we are…it’s almost the finale, yo. And from the looks of things, it’s going to be an exciting one! But first, there was this week’s episode, which began with Chelsea getting a notice in the mail that Adam was going to have to appear in court about the back child support he owes.

“What brought this on?” Chelsea’s friend wonders. Was it Chelsea who was making sure Adam was paying Aubree’s child support and alerting authorities when he wasn’t? Of course not! It was Randalicious doing that! Duh.

Speaking of custody arrangements and that kind of thing… Kailyn has lunch with her mom, who convinces Kailyn that she and Jo should have a legal agreement outlining their shared custody of Isaac. 

This is all very sensible, of course, but I still can’t help but find Kailyn’s mom to be a little on the weird side. Even when what she is saying makes perfect sense, she’s still all kind of twitchy and nervous—it’s like she’s on stage playing the role of a normal person but the whole time is freaked out she’s going to forget her lines.

But hey—speaking of lines, Corey had my favorite from this week’s episode. When we head over to get an update on how he and Leah are doing, we see them having a discussion about whether or not they should get married right now. Corey thinks everything will be fine once they get married, but Leah worries, “What if it isn’t?”

Yeah, Corey—what do you say to THAT? What if everything isn’t fine????

“We might get married and it might be perfect. We might get married and it might be hey-yell.”

Yep, that’s right, Leah—maybe your life with Corey will be perfect, but maybe it will be like living with Jenelle hell. Who knows? You’ll just have to try it and see how it goes, I guess. In the meantime, here is a decorative pillow I have made for you as a wedding gift:

Someone who won’t be getting any gifts from me is Jenelle, who bitches and moans to her friend Amber about how much her mom has ruined her life. Nowhere in all her complaining do I hear Jenelle take responsibility for herself and her actions. No. Instead, we find out the following:

1. Jenelle can’t get her schoolwork done because she now has no internet. I guess there are no public libraries where Jenelle lives? Or…her campus doesn’t have a computer lab for students to use?

2. Her mom “took my home away from me.” Jenelle, Barbara didn’t take your home away from you, she just kicked your lying, no-good ass out of hers. There’s a difference, believe me.

3. Jenelle has no money because her mom sent her financial aid check back to the college. Well, don’t you have a job Jenelle? Oh wait—haha, yeah…that’s right—later in the episode we see that you got fired from your job when you up and left town with Reefer and never let your job know you’d be missing two days of work.

People, let me just say that I’m not sure Dr. Drew is up to the task of gettin’ on this girl during the post-finale special. I think we need some Dr. Phil to get all up in Jenelle’s grill with his, “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge,” and “You want to know how to tell when Jenelle is lying? Her lips are moving.”

Actually, maybe Dr. Phil and his tough love aren’t even enough for this child. I say, bring in Judge Judy. She can be all, “Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining!” or “Dumb ideas come from people with dumb brains!” Amen, Judy.

Whoever leads the finale special, I think we definitely need to have this woman be a special guest:

Word.

Someone else who could use a Judge Judy intervention is Chelsea, who meets up with Randalicious for some lunch. He asks how things are going with her progress toward her GED, and she says it’s hard to get it done because Aubree is just so cute.

Randalicious agrees that Aubree is in fact a cutie, but still, Chelsea needs to get her work done. “I know I’m gonna do it someday. It’s just taking me awhile to get to it,” she tells her dad.

What can be said here?

I think that about sums it up.

Kailyn is also having trouble progressing with her schoolwork, and, she tells us, “I’m starting to feel the consequences.”

I’m sorry, but this shot cracked me up. Who writes an ‘F’ that big on someone’s paper—in fat, thick red pen, no less?! And if the person got less than half the points on a quiz, do you even need to write ‘F’? This almost looks like a stock marketing image for school.

Anyway…from here we go back to Chelsea, who is trying to hit the books book that she is working through to prepare herself for the GED. Here she is at a cafe with Aubree, trying to get some studying done:

I can’t for the life of me think of why Chelsea thought it would be a good idea to get studying done at a cafe with a toddler. Obviously she’s going to run around and what not, and Chelsea being the mom is going to have to run around after her. Randalicious seems to have some moneys—can he not pay for a sitter once or twice a week so Chelsea can study? I just don’t get it.

While I’m here I might as well also say, “Oh my God, Chelsea—lay off the leopard print already. Leopard is cute, don’t get me wrong; but everything you own does not need to be animal print. Just…FYI.”

Adam doesn’t have anything animal print, but he does have a new girlfriend:

She listens patiently as Adam complains about paying child support for Aubree. Hey there, Adam’s new girlfriend! Here’s a tip: If you’re with a guy who complains about having to financially support his child, he’s probably a guy who is not worth dating. He is also probably a huge, huge, HUGE deadbeat, which is why he moved into your house immediately after breaking up with his previous girlfriend.

We learn that Adam is only required to pay $275 a month for Aubree’s support. $275. People, that barely covers food for a month, let alone diapers and clothing. Adam notes that by the time Aubree is 18, he will have paid a whopping $58,000. 

For the love of God… We’ve seen this math before. Remember when Ryan’s friends were all amazed at how much he was going to have to shell out over 18 years? 

Let’s just work this shit out once and for all. According to the USDA in 2008, “For middle-income families with a child born last year, the costs of providing food, shelter, clothing and other necessities will total $204,060 by the 18th birthday.”

So basically, Adam will be contributing roughly 39% to what it will cost to raise young Aubree. Just so we’re clear, Adam: 39% is less than 50%, and 50% is half of something. So you are not really going halvsies on this child. But whatever. $275 a month sounds like a lot to you because you don’t have a job. Maybe you should get one!

Whatever. 

Anyway…finale is two days away! Corey and Leah will marry, Jenelle will get arrested, and off in the wings somewhere Amber will be watching that arrest and thinking, “See, America, at least one of these bitches is way more fucked up than me.”

From a Yelp review of a restaurant in Port Costa, CA:

They have a stuffed polar bear, as well as a lot of other taxidermy.

Possible new slogan for this restaurant: “You eat the insides, we stuff the outsides. Come for the food; stay to admire the taxidermy.”